The Dreaded Lollipops of Evil
by Burnt Rice
Summary: Quatre buys lollipops for the G-boys, and something goes awry. That's all I'm saying. A fic I wrote 3 years ago, and just now decided to post.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, and I have no clue why anyone in their right mind would accuse me of it, because if I did, I wouldn't be posting on this site, and I would be some rich old man eating sushi and living in Japan right now...But the Raccoon is mine!  
  
Author's note: I wrote this fic about three years ago, and my knowledge of fics was greatly limited back then. (or maybe blissfully ignorant. or maybe obsessive. I'm not quite sure which one yet.) Thanks to Jessica and Jessica (Yes, there are two) for introducing me to the fanfic world, specifically GW.  
  
~The Dreaded Lollipops of Evil~  
By Burnt Rice  
  
Chapter 1: The Evil arrives  
  
*Trowa was reading. Heero was sitting down, polishing his handy-dandy  
  
semi-automatic. Quatre was out shopping. Wufei was playing Pokemon, calling it weak and wondering if Pikachu was made of marshmallows. And Duo was outside, poking a dead raccoon with a stick. Suddenly, Quatre burst in, panting, with a brown bag in his hand. Trowa looked at him as if he was saying, 'Dang it. Back already? I was just getting to the part when Harry was going to kiss Snape...' It was something he had been fantasizing for weeks now, ever since the 7th Harry Potter book had come out. Rumors said that Harry was finally going to come out of the closet, and as soon as he got Snape, he would die a painful death. As it turned out, the book was sold out all over the world by anti-Harry Potter fans, who were forever morally opposed to Dobby, who had a certain likeness to that one character on that one Hobbit movie. But enough of that. Back to Quatre.*  
  
"You guys!", said the blondie. "I JUST NOW paid $200.00 IN CASH for five everlasting lollipops!" The wannabe-pacifist looked ecstatic. Only he would be willing to do something that asinine. And maybe Duo, too, if he had access to that type of money.  
  
Heero, our main man, gave a look of pure, undaunting, suspicion. "Are you sure Relena didn't poison those?" It wasn't as if Relena Peacecraft had actually purposefully tried to make the pilots sick and maybe die....let's just say she wasn't exactly the Iron Chef.  
  
"Positive." replied Quatre. "There was this really short lady, at least I think she was a lady, on the street, mumbling something about spaceships and intergalactic death and doom, and whatnot. She had striking pink spiky hair. She told me to call her by Little Washu, or something....Anyway, she showed me the candy, and I just couldn't resist the offer! Think of it, all of us will suffer from diabetes and heart attacks in only half the time it would strike us without the sugary supplements!" At this, Quatre got all stary eyed, probably from the idea that they would suffer together, heaven forbid that they would be together on any other occasion, at least if Heero couldn't help it.  
  
At this Trowa put down his book, and looked into the brown back that supposedly contained the cause of their early eminent demise. The colors of the lollipops were: pink, blue, green, red, and purple. Duo walked in the room, carrying a stick that was suspiciously covered in raccoon fur. "Hey guys! You'll never guess what I got hidin' under my bed...." He trailed off, having just spotted the very purpose of his being currently being held in Trowa's arms. "Is that a purple lollipop?" He twitched. Purple was his favorite color in the whole wide world, next to black. Duo snatched the the treat out of the silent one's hands, and immediately proceeded to devour it's delectable sweetness. The whole scene was quite disturbing, actually. Two out of the three pilots in the room cringed at Duo's caveman-like approach to eating.  
  
Quatre, on the other hand, was taking a leaf out of Duo's book and predictably took the pink lollipop. Tasting it he said, "Hmmm. You know, this sweet would go quite well with some iced tea. I've decided to be unpredictable and renounce Earl Grey tea. I've just aquired the Lipton iced tea company, now that I mention it..." He went on a for a while like that. Trowa was not about to be outdone by Duo and Quatre, so he took the green lollipop. Not suprisingly, he didn't say anything. He just enjoyed the free candy.  
  
Heero warily watched the other Gundam pilots, wondering how in the world was it that he got stuck living with these weirdos and cursing his endless stream of bad luck. After about three minutes, after having made sure that the other idiots had not gotten food poisoning, he couldn't resist the temptation and discreetly made for the red candy. "Hn" was the only sound that came from the perfect warrior as he shamefully proceeded to eat Quatre's purchase.  
  
Wufei, whom I have only mentioned once in this fic before now, was still in the next room, playing Pokemon 'Nataku' version and humming in an off-key voice along with the catchy elevator music that came from his Gameboy's mini speakers. He was obilvious to what was going on in the next room. Lucky him. Well, 'Ignorance is Bliss', as the saying goes. He was munching on marshmallows, and was convinced that that was the unknown substance that Pikachu was composed of. It was his lifelong dream to solve this perplexing mystery, and just to prove it, he was already 46 hours into his game, though the game had only been out for 24 hours.  
  
Next door, something strange was about to occur. Duo had just finished his purple delight, and his caveman-like ways had started to fade. He burped, and smiled sheepishly. "I think I'll just go back to my raccoon, uh, I mean room, and..Uuuuunnnnggh......" He crouched over, and cradled his abdomen in his arms. The other pilots looked alarmingly at Duo. All three of their immediate thoughts more or less went along these lines: 'Ungh? What's that? A cry of tortuous pain? It must've been the candy................... Crap.'  
  
Duo was still groaning agonizingly, muttering colorful words under his breath. Coughing and sputtering could be heard from Quatre, and soon after, Trowa's face turned an unbecoming pale shade of green, still not allowing himself to make a sound, of course.  
  
Heero was wearing a crazed look. 'What the fuzz is going to happen to ME?!' ,he thought. Of course, he didn't care that the other pilots were currently wallowing in their pain. What a selfless man....Heero proceeded to take out his ever-so-trusty semi- automatic, his only comfort. His crazed look was replaced by one of pure, undaunting........FEAR! Poor Heero, what was he going to do?!  
  
And still, Wufei was playing Pokemon 'Nataku' version. Ah, Ignorance IS Bliss......  
  
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GASP!! How will our heros get out of this one?!  
  
A/N- I also don't own Pokemon, Harry Potter, and Little Washu. Just an afterthought in case I get sued for using them or something. And I actually LIKE Harry Potter, so there!  
  
So, what d'ya think? Reviews and flames are welcome. I don't care what you say, I can handle it! I LIVE for constructive criticism! Or maybe just critcism! Just review, and be happy, and read more. Wait, that's what you're doing right now. Nevermind. I want to know if a 2nd chapter is desired. Bye for now. 


	2. Herbal Essences and Trowa's Pants

Disclaimer: Once more, I don't own GW. That's really depressing.  
  
Author's note: This chapter is considerably longer than my last. I guess I got carried away. Thanks to Pat, who was the first to read (and hate) this fic.  
  
~The Dreaded Lollipops of Evil~  
By Burnt Rice  
  
Chapter 2: Herbal Essences and Trowa's Pants  
  
Heero looked around at the pilots who were currently suffering in agony. So far,the effects had not yet reached the perfect human. 'How can some stupid candy cause some of the greatest pilots in the universe so much pain?' asked the unbelieving Heero. The end of Duo's braid twitched. He stood up, looking totally normal. "Duo, are you alright?" asked Heero. "Yeah, I feel perfectly fine.", the Shinigami replied. His eyes flashed with a twinkle of purple. "I...." his voice faltered, and he struck an imposing stance. "There have been many thoeries suggesting a nonorganic origin of petroleum, but none of them have been successful. It is now accepted universally by geologists..." He went on for a while like that, talking about alternative energy sources and evolution. You know, smart people stuff. Heero blinked. 'Duo isn't this smart...' he thought. '..he must be a SPY! I must eliminate him at all costs.' He pointed his gun at the raving pilot, and was about to pull the trigger, when...  
  
"YEAH!!! GO GET 'EM, HEERO! PULL THE TRIGGER!!!! LET DUO HAVE IT!!! CAUSE HIM PAIN! YEAH!!!!" Heero twisted around, only to find Quatre standing behind him, bursting with grand expectations of Duo's death. "You must be a spy too!" said Heero with sudden realization. "Prepare to die." His aim was perfect. The remaining resonance of the shot could still be heard in the room. The smoke that was surrounding Quatre's body had faded, but.........HEERO MISSED!!!!!! "HA HA HA!!" Quatre's body was doubled over with laughter. Sandrock's owner had dodged the bullet. "So, Mr. High and Mighty, I guess you're not so great now that you missed! I guess it took you a while to figure out that YOU SUCK!!! HA HA! Down with tea, that's for prissies like Trieze and Zechs!"  
  
"Did I mention that stuttering is a disorder in which the rhythmic flow, or fluency, of speech is disrupted by rapid-fire repititions of sounds, prolonged vowels, and complete stops, or verbal blocks?" interrupted Duo. Quatre's eyes were wide with a mix of annoyance and insanity. "SHUT UP YOU STINKY COW!! MUTTERING ABOUT SPEECH IS  
  
USELESS! YA GOTTA GO AND HURT SOMEBODY, WITHOUT REASON! YEAH, THAT'S THE WAY!" Duo looked thoroughly insulted. "Well, I never!" replied Duo. "It just comes to show how an ignoramous like yourself reacts to superior beings, like myself. I turn my nose up at you!" And he did.  
  
Heero stood behind them, still in a state of shock thinking about how he had NEVER missed before now, and how his gun must've had some sort of flaw. Beeps could be heard from his right side, and he noticed Trowa dialing precisely and methodically on the telephone. 'At least one person here hasn't reacted to the candy.', he thought with relief. 'He must be calling for his weekly hair appointment. Yeah, that's it....'  
  
But Heero was SO wrong....  
  
Trowa, the ever-silent one, spoke. ".....so I was like, NO WAY! And she was like, WAY! And I'm like, SERIOUSLY? And she goes, TOTALLY! So I'm like,......." Duo, Quatre, and Heero stared. They had never before heard Trowa's voice, and all three hadn't realized that Trowa's voice had a strange similarity to Justin Timberlake's. Man, he could be a pop star, if only they could find him a pair of pants that would make his butt look bigger. His butt was impossibly miniscule.  
  
Heero was caught up in the wonder of it all, and was about to suggest the option of spandex pants when he felt a cramp build up in his stomach. "Oh, no....not NOW..." he said aloud. Inside of his head he could hear a faint sound. It was oddly familiar.... "OH NO!! Disney's Aladdin!" He could hear the industry-produced's Arabian character sing 'A Whole New World' inside his mind. It was getting louder and louder, and Heero was getting the strangest urge to dance and sing along with Aladdin. "N-NO! I-I MUST RESIST THE URGE!......." It was too bad Heero was a bad dancer, because he held his arms out as if he were an airplane, whooshed around the room and started to sing, if you could call it singing. "A Whole New Woooooooooorld! A dazzling place I never knew......" And boy, he was no Justin Timberlake.  
  
"WHAT THE FUZZ IS HEERO DOING?! HE WAS GOING TO HURT DUO NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES AGO-"  
  
"I SAY! Heero is tone deaf! Who knew?! We must stop his raunching and  
  
gallavanting around the house this instant-"  
  
"OMYGOSH! You'll never guess what Heero is wearing-"  
  
"It's crystal clear! That now I'll share this whole new world with yooouuuuuuu..."  
  
Wufei was pissed. There was some sort of SOUND coming from the other room, interrupting his concentration! He had just beat Pokemon 'Nataku' version, and was starting Pokemon 'For non-weaklings who bring about justice- fuzzy wuzzy cuddly sparkly pink happy non-violent super duper teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini pika pika' version. (The Nintendo company had run out of colors) He had left his marshmallow Pikachu theory in the dust, but was now a strong believer of the chocolate Pikachu theory! It was SO obvious! He left the game in his room and walked out into the hallway to tell everyone to shut up. But as he walked past Duo's room (his door had been left open, and it could be seen that that room was proudly decked out in Deathscythe posters and candid pictures of Heero) a heart-wrenching scent met the chinese pilot's nose. Curiousity overcame Wufei and he walked into the 'Forbidden Zone', seeking out the it's source. Back to the others.  
  
Heero had run out of Disney songs and was now unsucessfully attempting to seranade Quatre with commercial jingles. "I've got the urge! (In-stant herb botanical) I've got the uuuuuuuurge to herbal! She's got the urge!"  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK! WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?!" Quatre made a mad dash for the room labeled, 'The Room of Weaponry and Destruction', with Heero whooshing after him in hot pursuit. Trowa was giggling like a mad school girl, and Duo started to recite the economic principles of a free economy, obviously ticked that Heero was trying to seranade Quatre, rather than him. For no reason whatsoever, Zechs Marquise opened the front door, stepped in, and took a picture of the deranged pilots on his handy-dandy Kodak. "Heh-heh. This is for blackmail later." He said it with apparent glee. "Oh boooooys......." he sang in a sing-song tone (he sounded more like Elton John, rather than J. Timberlake) "I'm hungry and lonely. And filthy rich- can I stay here till I'm old and wrinkly and even more rich than before?- Ooooooo, candy......" It was pretty apparent that Zechs had spotted the forgotten blue lollipop lying innocently on the coffee table. He took it for himself, of course. He sat down on the couch, enjoying the show that was unfurling in front of his very eyes! A grumble came from his stomach. His eyes turned a tint of blue and watered with pain. He fainted and unconciously fell to the floor. Couldn't handle the agony, I guess.  
  
Trowa, eyeing Zechs, who was currently on the floor, grabbed his make- up kit, yes, MAKE-UP KIT, and started applying foundation on Zech's zit-filled face. "I wonder how Zechs got through shooting 'Endless Waltz' with a face as repulsive as this?! Like, it must've been his make-up artist...." Trowa went on muttering to himself about the miracles of Clearasil versus Neutrogena, and applied some eyeshadow, lip gloss, and tweezed the Tallgeese pilot's eyebrows, not that they needed it. They were really thin! But Trowa promised himself that this was only practice for until he got his hands on Treize. Now, Trieze was one that needed some work!  
  
Meanwhile, Quatre was blowing stuff up with hand granades, flamethrowers, and Heero's very own semi-automatic, cursing Relena, Lipton Iced tea, and anything else he could think of at the moment. Heero could be heard singing 'YMCA'. And Duo was scolding Trowa for using fireman-red lipstick instead of pansy-pink lipstick, the mistake was only soooooo obvious.  
  
And this was the moment that Wufei chose to waltz into the room. "Hey guys, you'll never guess what I found under Duo's bed-" He blinked, calmly observing the chaos that had flooded the pilots. He blinked again, his left eye twitched, and simply walked away from the others, convinced that he was delusional, and headed back towards his beloved Pokemon game.  
  
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And that's it! That's the end of my fic, though I may write more if my reviews tell me to.  
  
Disclaimer #2: I also do not own: Justin Timberlake, Disney, Pokemon, The Bikini Song, Herbal Essences, Clearasil, Neutrogena, or YMCA. Gosh, WHY can't I be more original?! I curse myself and my ideas.  
  
Please Review!! ^-^ 


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